Doggy football rules

I’m thinking the Olympics may want to take note of the new sport currently out breaking with our 2 labradors. Doggy football is a more casual affair than normal football, but a lot more aggressive. Don’t be fooled though, growling and muttering is all part of the ’sport’ - no puppies have been harmed yet in the regular matches.

There are 2 main forms of doggy football. The first is a more catch ball form of the game. Rather than using a doggy ball you substitute a football. This is for the more casual doggy football participants and used as training for the more ‘hardcore’ true doggy football. I will note here that doggy football is never organised (anymore), it often comes from 3 main triggers. The first is the ‘nick and run’ - this is where you get the puppy to run into the back room, grab the football and then tackle him until he submits. This first trigger is not for the faint hearted or owners of any delicate house objects. The second is a natural progression from doggy football catch ball, this usually is triggered by the puppy getting greedy and the older one thinking ‘bleep this’. As usual taking place in the outside, this can quickly escalate to the pinnacle of doggy football violence. The third only happened a few times, this was an actual staged event where the ball was given in trust (although the actual result of doggy football wasn’t predicted, hence it was not organised - how naive we were in thinking 2 labradors would play nice) - then the trust was broken with hooligan impressions. The third hasn’t happened for a while and most games of doggy football come from the first or second triggers.

As for the rules of doggy football, well erm erm …… there actually don’t seem to be many. The only ‘real’ rules are you have to make a lot of noise, keep the ball at all times, turn around and around, oh and pinning the puppy is a key part it seems and finally for the puppy they have to forget their lessons of sharing and become an selfish ball obsessed ball of fur. Not many rules really and apart from that it seems all is fair in the world of doggy football.

I will end this with a note of caution, if you do ever try and trigger an event of doggy football you should be aware of what you are about to unleash. Do not attempt this without either a water pistol to break them up or a loud booming voice - waving madly as you try and grab the ball is allowed.